Happy 2010

Friday, January 1, 2010 at1:16 AM

Specific self-reminders for 2010.

Of new man's strength, I seek the sun.

Tuesday, December 29, 2009 at6:14 PM

Well, here I am
After 4 attempts at getting out of bed to actually do productive work today. Got freaked in the morning, cause the body malfunctioned; sudden onset of flu + worsened sore throat from yesterday.

Choir concert at the performance yesterday was bordering boredom, I felt. It's one thing to go there and perform with choirs from other schools + the police band, and another thing to sit/stand/walk for hours pretending we actually care about what's going on around us. But I guess the highlight was that the very cool flower-giving Shoe came down (since we were in her territory) and we went for dinner/supper after the performance. Food is always a motivating factor. :D
Oh and the late night readings are suspended, for now. Exhaustion of social energy is overlapping into normal functioning energy, so crashing before 1am no longer seems weird. Ugh. Hate this thing. I want a long break from people before school starts again ): Either that, or increase my sociality level.

*

Yesterday, I thought about you, and your funny quirks and went, hahaha

Revelation
of thought, leading to an end
but is it the end?
Or simply my genesis.
death, only
welcomes Life
and
to embrace its power of choice
a change indifferent to none
but,
but
what ignorance I have as
I struggle to understand, about
revelation of Life,
which only
occurs at death.

I am the patron saint of lost causes/things are gonna change now for the better

Friday, December 25, 2009 at11:06 PM

MERRY CHRISTMAS
I LOVE YOU GOD.

Am going to leave for camp in the wee hours of tomorrow morning and then back again the following night.
Note to self: START PACKING SOON PLEASE.

Roight, anyway. Got more Christmas presents today, was pleased with both, you two know me well. :D
Also haven't been writing in this space so I feel a little unsettled by the short spaces in the previous posts; my long-winded self simply cannot bear the shame and oh how horrid it is to see meaningless words of simple updates and not what's truly on the mind - okay, starting to hate one's melodramatic self now.
Let's start from Monday. Christmas house party where a few people came over: binged on food, played pictionary, taboo, twister, movies, normal stuff. Woke up groggily on tuesday morning, waited till the rest went back and crashed on the couch after watching the last movie. Woke up to like, 9 texts and missed calls from various people (Little known fact: I do not return most people's calls) and apparently there was another party, which I decided to go to after about an hour's hesitation. Next night was the cell party, met up with P in the morning and went over to C's house to prepare for it. As usual, time with the cell was invigorating, though I always manage to be mean to certain people who actually mean (haha) a lot to me. Really need to curb this non-kind streak

Okay so I still don't see the point of parties, but hey. Maybe someday I'll choose it over curling up in a corner reading a book.
..... or not.

Wine session yesterday, drank a little and then went to sleep, social energy so fully zapped. Then woke up at 12 (!), received presents, ate brunch and spent the afternoon reading the entire shopaholic series (don't ask why, i felt like chick books today)

Thought the whole Christmas season this year was pretty uneventful.
But it's okay. I like uneventful.
Besides, knowing what this day truly means is totally enough for me. (:

-

It never ceases to amaze me how the brother and I still compete for the silliest things, even at this age.
He's 21, by the way. And I think we'll be doing this 30 years down the road. How cool are we, yo.

*

I've got to be honest, I tried to escape you
But the orchestra plays on, and they sang

parteee.

Thursday, December 24, 2009 at3:32 PM

..... whew.

3 parties in 3 days.
Still have a last one to go to tonight, but I think I'll stay in.

Monday to tuesday, house party. Slept after they left and went to D's for another party.
Yesterday, the cell's party. Social energy completely zapped.

Oh, going to be on hiatus from work too, for at least these 2 days. Then it's back to normal.

come and take me away

Sunday, December 20, 2009 at12:51 AM

"Philosophy does not promise to secure anything external for man, otherwise it would be admitting something that lies beyond its proper subject-matter. For as the material of the carpenter is wood, and that of statuary bronze, so the subject-matter of the art of living is each person's own life."

- Epictetus

Sometimes I wonder why I choose emotional attachment over nonchalance, when time and again it proved it's worth to be less than nil.
And then, today, it occurred to me. Intangibles - they can't be quantified.
Emotional attachment's painful, and difficult, and long-termed; sometimes they affect you so much that you just want to throw everything away so that you can get rid of that ache, no, that hole which you cannot fill with anything else or distract yourself from.
It's at the back of your head when you wake in the morning, and it's the last thought before your head hits the pillow.
Pain. What do I think pain is?
I think pain is a reminder that we're alive and we're surviving, no matter what circumstance we're going through.
Numbness, on the other hand - it's the beginning of death.
I don't deny that I've always intentionally numbed myself, simply because it was easier. I thought death was difficult, and I was the only one who had a special right to choose to cut off all emotions and survive solely on indifferent thinking, or in other words: stoicism. But if you think about it, in order for stoicists to feel indifferent to pain, grief, joy, pleasure they'd have to know what how these particular emotions precisely feel like in the first place. For them to choose to take a different path - doesn't this show that emotions are so influencing that it has to be directly opposed in order for a person to be morally perfect? And by that, doesn't it then prove that emotions have the power to destroy - only powerful enough entities are openly and directly opposed, in fear of them being in control.

You know what?
I've spent a year, a whole bloody year trying to separate my feelings from my thoughts and it didn't work at all. I'm going to swing the opposite direction and incorporate them now, see if a sense of congruency can be arrived at by... 6 months later maybe? Should really stop doing self-social experiments, but it's just so interesting and unethical at times it's addictive (-:

OH NO I'M NOT MAKING SENSE ANYMORE OKAY SLEEP NOW.

Pffffff. Humans are so overrated

Thursday, December 17, 2009 at9:40 PM