Hope

closed chapter

2012-03-09T00:26:00.002+08:00

Heavy head, heavy heart

Found myself bargaining today; trading everything I have and not,

for just a few minutes more

2012-03-06T21:22:00.001+08:00

So now

with a heart full of questions

I come to you just as I am

All my weakness, all my fears

All I've run from, all these years

But you say

blessed are the ones who'll never see

They just believe

2012-03-05T23:36:00.001+08:00

At this very point; at this very minute, I am thankful for what little and much I have. I am thankful for every decision I have made and not made because they have, in their little ways, added up to this one present point. It seems that peace is slowly catching up -- all this in spite of the research papers, assignments, exams and projects -- or perhaps, I am slowing down within my mind; being less jumpy and/or agitated over small bumpy events. It is difficult to provide an accurate attribution of this mindpeace to one solitary source; but like contrasted negative feelings, it is a mixture, a compound, rather than a pure, independent element. One of the quieter nights. Where these thoughts automatically gather around me and hold me tightly, almost like saying, we will use every bit of our strength to protect you

booyah

2012-03-04T23:27:00.005+08:00

Only one week has passed only one week has passed only one week has passed, meh.

But that also means only three weeks to the bestfriend coming back

Still praying for you; keep getting irrational bouts of fear that you will perhaps stumble upon a lion cub and its mother attacks you out of the misunderstanding, like that Nidoqueen baby episode which you felt was boring (as compared to the other two). Also miss going for service with you. Am vaguely surprised at myself for being all mushy-like only after a week but yeah yeah, you get what I mean.

Stay safe

2012-03-04T14:29:00.002+08:00

I prefer inclusive to exclusive

2012-03-04T02:43:00.001+08:00

Wallpaper replacement

2012-03-04T02:30:00.000+08:00

On hindsight, (or perhaps not much so)
the deliberate stoppage of writing flow does nothing for these feelings whatsoever

I don't mind your odd behavior

2012-03-04T02:06:00.003+08:00

Oh, I've loved you from the start

In every single way

And more each passing day

You are brighter than the stars

Believe me when I say

It's not about your scars

It's all about your heart

♥

2012-03-02T17:35:00.002+08:00

But I didn’t understand then. That I could hurt somebody so badly she would never recover. That a person can, just by living, damage another human being beyond repair.

Haruki Murakami

2012-03-02T00:28:00.000+08:00

"I know you're lonely but you're not alone."

OMG totally forgot that Glee S2E5 was a tribute to Rocky Horror omgomgomgomgomg

2012-03-01T23:47:00.001+08:00

HELLO SARA <3

2012-03-01T22:41:00.001+08:00

Looks good

it means no worries

2012-03-01T19:33:00.000+08:00

A little disappointment, a surprised bump in the road but it's okay

This week consisted of the marvellously planned birthday surprise for S; getting lost along the way; eating more than usual; worrying more than usual, but also appreciating more than usual. The transport to/fro school, very kindly provided by Z, has helped in lessening the travel fatigue and I am very grateful for that. It's probably also the only time when we can all sing gay Disney songs towards school, and argue excessively about the possibility of a logical-illogical world towards home.

A bit of tennis tomorrow, hopefully, and back to the pile of work.

Journalling tonight - perhaps these flyaway thoughts will then settle themselves in between the pages for you :)

2012-02-29T23:41:00.001+08:00

Am surrounded by such mad and lovely people

2012-02-29T19:07:00.000+08:00

Can I take a break from school during summer and apply for a NG internship

2012-02-28T22:16:00.003+08:00

I instinctively sigh at beautiful things.

2012-02-28T22:07:00.001+08:00

Hehe :3

Heard the smile in your voice + grinning like an idiot now

2012-02-26T23:16:00.003+08:00

Why are you not here when I find amazing things egad

2012-02-25T12:24:00.003+08:00

We both suck at goodbyes

Anyway, see you in a month's time bud. <3

2012-02-24T22:12:00.001+08:00

What I saw yesterday

2012-02-24T21:41:00.000+08:00

A couple at the front row, with arms closely entwined. He sang along with every song while she bobbed her head in time with a tiny contented grin. It was one of the more beautiful things I've seen, and the only time I felt alone. Loved loved loved the entire concert; when R sang, everything else melted away and fell into place at once. Was oddly comforted by the distance between my seat and where she was at the grand piano - it provided just enough coverage for me to lean back into the darkness, with eyes closed at the heart-wrenching parts, having no interruptions or pressure to cheer at every pause.

Best part of the evening: from the two grown guys beside me going "holy shit, that was good. I think I'm in love.", after her rendition of Elephants. That, after a somewhat embarrassed and hushed proclamation of their mediocrity as her fans before the concert began.

And hold me in your standstill ground
And I will sink down and you'll be washed away
You'll be washed away

Over and over and over and over again
let it rain, let it rain

2012-02-21T16:12:00.003+08:00

Anomie

worn down

2012-02-19T23:48:00.000+08:00

Have been nothing short of irritable lately

Am being exceptionally difficult this weekend, as well as it being difficult on us. I am, in all senses of the word, tired. It has not been a particularly long journey, but it has been eventful. Much has been taken and given. Much of myself has been given. With each given bit of myself, I seek return. But I make no excuses for this; fearfully and honestly I exchange myself for what that is not of myself. I am all I have to exchange, and that has to be enough.

These nights have been long. When morning comes around, nothing has changed. A disarrayed table of notes, a neat pile of books patiently waiting to be appreciated, a quiet whirring of the overhead fan. But something has changed. Possibly resembling the end of an era; to be looked upon and loved in history banks, but being aware of not possessing the will or ability to travel backwards. To think that so many of these thoughts are (and soon becoming were) based on promises of the past; being individually decrepit as each minute crawls by. Am now stricken with a deeply embedded fear of being vulnerable, and with good cause. For this effortful continuation for allowance of full absorption of tiny hurt-slashes on this achey heart. Each wound -- each deliberate slash, healed and re-opened -- keeps me alive.

Have stopped writing indefinitely. There is currently an infuriating and conspicuous chunk of words that has demanded my complete attention. Right now, their placement is dangerous; almost at tipping point. Am terrified that they may just spill over, conveniently scattering themselves all over. Am even more fearful, to the point of catatonia, that I will be unable to pick them up and place them back in their respective positions.

To talk to someone, anyone, who will not mind my haphazardness, and more importantly, will not mind the wrongness/correctness of being myself -- is this far too much a want? Do I deserve so little?

I pray that the week ahead will be less unkind.

2012-02-19T22:00:00.000+08:00

Banana-walnut cupcakes yesterday, mmm
In spite of readings and mid-terms and four project groups

*

Also finally watched Nick & Norah's Infinite Playlist with bud
squealed all the way through the wonderful soundtrack

2012-02-18T15:35:00.002+08:00

Dreamt of my house last night. It was huge, intimidating and nothing of what I wanted

2012-02-18T01:26:00.001+08:00

Is this what it's going to be like, then? It all seems beyond me now.

I do know however, that I should not unintentionally make you angry any more; with my flaws and thinking and lack of ability to express myself adequately.

Not enough

A pause, and a crater-sized hollow.

2012-02-18T01:05:00.001+08:00

Why is it that everything I say or do is wrong

2012-02-18T01:02:00.002+08:00

I don't want to not feel but I cannot feel

2012-02-17T00:21:00.001+08:00

Filled school week but the madness has temporarily stopped.

1. Sleep.

2012-02-14T22:11:00.002+08:00

Your call ended my day well

Bravery in courage, beauty in honesty.

2012-02-13T22:46:00.000+08:00

Avalanche <3

It's been a good whole day of rest at home, despite the pile of work. They are mostly done right now except for some few that I cannot bring myself to care about enough to tenaciously continue in. Have been functioning with in-and-out focus the previous week; already gotten used to the severe lack of free time and sleep. Am also starting to mix up English words and sentences among the thousands of words generated for weekly assignments and various concepts spanning across the modules. But enough of school.

Favourite company in the world over the weekend, with it happily ending off on Sunday with the surprise gift of Avalanche and R. Y.'s ticket arriving in the mail. Held Avalanche in one hand and the ticket in the other and gaily danced from the living room into the brother's room (much to his dismay). School tomorrow will involve two presentations, Valentine's day hype everywhere with cupid deliveries and ending the day off with meeting C. Then home for more work and eagerly looking forward to next Thursday coming around.

Keep hearing people bitterly complaining about lack of true friends but all the while I am thinking; is there a reason why you think this way? Are you expecting too much from your friends? In my years of friendship, I have seen a grand total of... one friend who walked away from me. That was a mistake on my part and I swore never to let that happen again. I also made the initial mistake of extrapolating that one incident onto the rest of relationships and that affected my entire outlook on life. Until one day, when I woke and realised that my entire focus should not be on salvaging that situation but to have more appreciation for those who didn't walk away.

It is so easy to be bitter over something that broke your heart, but you have to realise that this thinking will affect your entire life. Can you accept that? Can you accept that instead of controlling your hurt, it controls you? Your past is moulding your present and creating your future of hate and anger. If you keep looking out for people who will disappoint you, you will find them. If you keep thinking that you will fail at relationships, you will fail. You are the person who attaches meaning to a relationship. If you start one without purpose, the purpose will be determined by situations, and situations destroy people. Mend your broken heart, strengthen your mind by getting rid of discrepant thoughts and increase your resolve. Do this all on your own instead of looking towards others to do so for you. People will notice, and they will come. They will come and they will stay, because you are finally being you - the very best and worst of you.

I am not affirming by nature, but I do know that I am secretly soft-hearted towards most people. Through this, I get hurt multiple times in a day because of obliviousness by friends or even acquaintances. But I know that hurting forces growth. It forces you to step out of your sphere of self-conclusions and shoves the bigger picture in your face till your eyes burn from the bright light. Now, instead of allowing them to consume me, I write out my hurts on paper and leave them there to be eaten away by time. Am a long way off (almost a galaxy, really) from experiencing pure unadulterated joy, but I know that it exists, and that is enough; that alone gives me hope to carry on believing.

I guess, what I want to say, to whoever is reading this - don't give up on people. There are good ones out there. Even if it takes you 3/4 of a lifetime to find that one true friend; until you find him/her, find purpose and meaning to live your life. Find a reason to be happy before you meet that someone who becomes so important to you; so you can share your happiness with that person. Always love. Always love fiercely when there seem to be no more love left in the world. That love will scour the entire world and come back to you sevenfold.

2012-02-11T20:56:00.000+08:00

We both want simple lives but our versions of simplicity differ from each other

I want

literature on windowsills

theatre on friday nights

mindless musings that present meaning

still alleyway photographs

night outs with girlfriends

a travel career

brilliance

to write during the boring hours

ice cream on hot days

a solid, secure ground

+ cat

I don't want

to stand awkwardly at social gatherings

to be at a complete loss for words

to settle for mundaneness

indecisiveness by fear

to hide what I need to say

to have to choose between close friends again

half-heartedness

2012-02-11T20:42:00.000+08:00

The weekends always feel so edgy

Albert Nobbs

2012-02-11T18:33:00.000+08:00

We are both disguised as ourselves

Will find some time to watch this over the next week.

2012-02-11T18:02:00.000+08:00

2012-02-08T12:58:00.000+08:00

A mistake of some sort, yeah

self-note

2012-02-08T12:49:00.000+08:00

One day, when it is all over, I'll gather enough courage to admit that you made a

big

fucking

mistake

being involved with him/her

2012-02-07T21:19:00.002+08:00

Meritorious

2012-02-07T20:44:00.001+08:00

To be a koala

randommusing #1

2012-02-06T19:03:00.004+08:00

If I ever allow someone to whole-heartedly love me, it means I have allowed myself to give up on love

Yes, there is such a thing as being too attached

(and that produces disastrous consequences if/when not kept in check)

Today's hey-that-makes-sense lunch conversation: "Love in a relationship should not be kept within two people, but should overflow from it and provide happiness to those around the both of you as well."

So many of us here have issues with communicating what we really mean, what we really want; as time passes, we then make the mistake of settling for the idea of simply having a platform that provides the possibility of communication. It's akin to having a personal and fully equipped yacht but choosing to swim beside it without a life buoy. Like knowing that you can run, but choosing to crawl so that you will never fall and hit the ground. Why so much fear

2012-02-06T00:03:00.001+08:00

A n o t h e r w e e k

2012-02-04T17:07:00.000+08:00

Hiding out in the safety of the room as the mother holds her annual post-CNY party. Muffaliato!

Lupin/Tonks

2012-02-03T22:28:00.005+08:00

Saddest scene in all of the Harry Potter movies.

Even sadder than Snape finding Lily dead

In my mind, I'm thinking, what will happen to Teddy
:'(

2012-02-03T15:32:00.002+08:00

I am not sitting here passively. I am sitting here actively
wondering if these thoughts are normal

First essay draft in.

fiercely silent

2012-02-02T20:53:00.005+08:00

Nobody said it was easy

Repeating this, daily

I once jokingly said that life was never meant to be easy: to passively float along, creating room for could-haves and should-haves; to say "I wanted to, but never dared because I was scared I would fail..."; to not do your best in every single thing you choose to do. I also said that taking one degree will bore me.

Kicking. Myself. Now. (Should have totally written the definition essay on Stupidity)

But hey, if I do flunk out of school.......... at least I fail fearlessly.

2012-02-01T12:51:00.000+08:00

Where did I go wrong, I lost a friend

any moment now

2012-01-31T21:34:00.000+08:00

All you do is stubbornly stand there and do nothing about your misery

Not speaking when I get the compulsion to and instead channelling these bits of energy into not collapsing in between lessons.

Sometimes I think that I had someone, back when I was younger. Then that person probably died and they gave me pills to forget that person. But I didn't forget. I know that I didn't forget because some massive part of me is still missing right now. It is missing because you left me behind: awkward, alone and terrified with no idea how to work in this world. The lines have blurred; the membrane separating worlds is slowly starting to wobble and fade, because of the mere strength of our connection. I now know that this constant search is for you in my realm of tangibles, while you have found me long ago in your intangible realm. You followed the path of sighs and tears and found me curled up by the roadside, unknowingly waiting for you. Sweeping past me in a strong rush of sound, you cannot comfort me in the way I need to be comforted; but you make me look up from my brokenness to breathe in the scent of your whole, filled presence -- and I am complete again.

We have broken everything but reality.

When I emerge from my sleep and get up to write at night, I feel you. Protectively lingering over my shoulder, breathing warmly over my arms, gently guiding my fingers to write the words I am unable to bring myself to write. I'm not afraid. I will never be afraid of you because you stuck with me for so long. My secret, my soul mate, who has been away for such a long time, who has been here, always. One day, when all my commitments are done, I shall leave this place and go away with you. To that dream of peaceful, gurgling water that plays with the sunlight sneaking through the tall leafy trees, with so much colour that it hurts to see through our eyes, but seeing everything all at once through our one conjoined heart.

Where are you tonight?

2012-01-30T19:02:00.001+08:00

Shining by the grace of contrast

2012-01-29T22:11:00.000+08:00

School properly resumes tomorrow.
More battles and smiles and walking around determinedly during 5 hour breaks

/ Today, I prayed for you. Just like every other night. That you will find peace.

2012-01-29T02:22:00.001+08:00

RY's concert ticket in the mail soon heart please do not die on me

Something to look forward to in February ^_^

2012-01-27T14:44:00.003+08:00

2012-01-26T23:05:00.002+08:00

The idea of being each other's keeper, ah

common things, cages

2012-01-26T20:11:00.000+08:00

The art of being happy lies in the power of extracting happiness from common things.

Henry W. B.

Still coughing like an old machine stuck in the factory for years

Groggy morning; with mindless flipping through the sparse television channels over yoghurt for breakfast. Headed back into the cave of the room and passed the afternoon fully immersed in videos/fighting the urge to properly get down to work. A comfortable day. Dinner tonight will also be quite comforting.

Am emerging from these few days' hits; not victorious but fine; for usually these battles have nothing resembling victory whatsoever but rather, a truce from exhaustion on both sides. Upon shocking realisation at having grown stronger, these scars then seem to matter just a little less - am immensely thankful and all too appreciative for these preparatory shields for the mind. Am also grateful for the respect of personal space

2012-01-26T19:12:00.003+08:00

F o r g i v e,

For He gave

2012-01-26T19:03:00.000+08:00

2012-01-25T10:33:00.000+08:00

People get tired. No matter how much they love you

2012-01-24T23:49:00.004+08:00

Look at me, I'm one of your secrets
From what I see,
you're trying hard to keep it

2012-01-24T23:42:00.001+08:00

A quinzee

second day

2012-01-24T23:02:00.001+08:00

pathological

2012-01-24T23:00:00.000+08:00

Screamed/shouted so much that I had a sore throat

Ran away so much that the legs became lead

when I finally woke

reality to dreams to reality to dreams to reality to dreams to reality to dreams to reality to dreams to reality to dreams to reality to dreams to reality to dreams to reality to dreams to reality to dreams to reality to dreams to reality to dreams to reality to dreams to reality to dreams to reality to dreams to reality to dreams to reality to dreams to reality to dreams to reality to dreams to reality to dreams to reality

Another hit tonight; multiplied and compounded; but I am prepared

But being prepared doesn't make it less frightening

2012-01-23T23:45:00.000+08:00

Remember scribbling this on Zyn's notes during a very boring tutorial

Unfulfilled and unnoticed

2012-01-23T23:31:00.002+08:00

and not at all unnerved

2012-01-23T19:48:00.000+08:00

RY love will be here in exactly one month's time <3

Ridiculous bit of lacklustre

2012-01-23T00:46:00.000+08:00

All sorts of feelings this day; got out of bed so very clinically and continued the day from there. Would describe this mood as reckless and restless, with no visible beginning or end to actions whatsoever; with the stomach churning with possibilities and the lungs releasing far too much carbon dioxide for every oxygenated intake. Am quite afraid that I will one day actively hold on to that one breath for a bit longer than necessary and forget to breathe out; that this body will not function according to its original, existing worth any longer but rather follow my conscious cue. I am not an optimist; neither am I a pessimist. I have no need for many things I would like to have; and through this I know that, despite all, I will continue clinging on to any frayed piece of rope connected to any resemblance of a light glimmer. It's been years of stubbornness, with hopefulness; but this present darkness still insists on sapping every bit of my reserve strength; more than school, family, or any bit of sociality; while I can only politely stand here and patiently wait as it does its work on me. I can only fight against this hopelessness and pray that it will be tired of me someday soon, and perhaps finally vanish with the best and most part of me. I have been working around it. I will now work through it.

Silence is the key to gathering strength

2012-01-21T23:12:00.000+08:00

Instead of being brilliant and sad, I shall be brilliant and happy

A gentle sorrow

2012-01-21T19:14:00.001+08:00

Rainbows rainbows, everywhere

almost more than I can bear

stretching upward like a tree

oh dear rainbows, come to me

discoloured comfort

2012-01-21T16:08:00.001+08:00

He who lives in harmony with himself lives in harmony with the universe.

Marcus Aurelius

something is not the same

2012-01-21T11:00:00.000+08:00

Secretly think that I am regressing

Last school day of the week ended with dinner with the Moosics; after that incident of sitting in the wrong class and not knowing. Got properly laughed at by those who know me with snide comments but hey, friends are friends; I'm glad that there are those who will walk into my room and throw themselves on my bed instead of politely asking first and blatantly steal my food when I am looking. Dinner was freakin' awesome, if I might say so. Laughed the whole restaurant down, with the waitresses sniggering at us in one corner and me taking about twice the amount of time I usually take to finish my food. Such weird friends. Such weird friends with so much life drama. You'd think that having group conversations every single day would produce silence when we finally meet, but no, it just further perpetuates the amount of ribbing (of G, mostly) and the topic of olden Chinese tea houses.

The aftermath of yesterday; rather floaty but I am still not hoping for anything else other than perhaps a text produced from boredom sometime during the week or a call to say that you've been thinking of me. Am not going to revert to my explosive self that feels so extensively and reacts to those feelings. In front of you, at least. I realise now that these things are personal; and to make someone else feel negative about your own crappy issues just for companied reassurance is just plain selfish. I will find a balance; in telling you so as to maintain closeness and keeping the bad parts to myself. I know that as much as you may not prefer this arrangement; deep down, you understand how it's like. You seem to understand these things more than so many other people.

20 is so difficult to grow into

2012-01-18T19:39:00.002+08:00

Too long I've been afraid of

Losing love I guess I've lost

Well, if that's love

It comes at much too high a cost

strings holding me up

2012-01-17T23:10:00.000+08:00

Stairway by Chiharu Shiota, 2012
(on examining the unconscious)

Two days of exhausting lessons; am supposed to be packing for tomorrow but my body refuses to budge from this chair. Am both in anticipation and dread of these upcoming semester modules and it seems like I'm stuck with the current timetable reflected on my student portal. Three lessons today, with the class intensity dropping in light-heartedness as the day progressed.

Also took a leisurely walk home today through the old, long route just to clear my mind. Met many cats along the way, but they refused my sushi so I got demoralised after about 70 steps/3 cats. Until this one ginger-striped, extremely purr-y cat came and possessively wrapped itself around my legs. It didn't let me leave till I played with it adequately and meowed in thanks after a 5 minute session of head rubs. ^^ Was also very entertained by the Moosics all throughout the homeward journey -- we're very slowly but determinately inching our way to a textbook definition of dysfunctional friendships. Repressed so much of my laughter for fear of social judgement so I reckon that my abs are extremely chiselled right now.

2012-01-16T20:39:00.001+08:00

"I saw that nothing was permanent. You don’t want to possess anything that is dear to you because you might lose it." Yoko Ono

2012-01-15T19:00:00.009+08:00

So excited, but I cannot be excited or else I will wish for things that are beyond my control; and, like time and again, never come to pass. Need to rein this in and let out a bit every once in a while, for future motivation to continue staying up for work

Le sigh.

2012-01-15T16:46:00.002+08:00

Rules for Happiness: something to do, someone to love, something to hope for.

Immanuel Kant

the cure for pain

2012-01-15T16:44:00.000+08:00

Jess S

2012-01-15T00:31:00.000+08:00

It also occurred to me that Jessica is also leaving soon for further studies. D:

Safe journey, dear girl. We hardly talk nowadays but I will always remember the year one trips home together and laughing over stuff (what exactly did we laugh over....?), and your very apt/wise comments that always provided humour for me. It feels a little weird writing to you in this space, but I know you read this from time to time and wanted to say bye in my own way instead of over social mediums. Take care of yourself over there ♥

NICOLE S

2012-01-15T00:19:00.001+08:00

Also, acting on an emotionally needy impulse to rant here -- Nic is leaving (me) for months

I am both excited and horrified at this fact. For months, there will be no one to fuel my impulsive shopping decisions; laugh at my bouts of seriousness; manage to say I'm silly in both an endearing and mocking tone; say OMGIHATEYOU but really love me (at least, I hope so) as much as I love her; call me at the most random times of day squealing over god-knows-what; look at me like I'm mad when I talk about my countryside dreams; and demandingly question my apparent future decision of being a tree-hugger.

I quite like being called a tree-hugger, actually. Hmmm

But I digress. She's going and I will miss her terribly. I don't even think we'll Skype that much because the connection there is worse than the connection in school. D: Hi Nic, I apologise for screaming at you over the phone, by the way. When you're back, we must go on our long awaited-but-never-actually-planned holiday trip together. Please don't die of boredom over there. Please also stop giving me your bullshit of being socially awkward, cause you're the noisiest person I know. Have fun and IMY alreadyyyyy

secret eataway

2012-01-14T23:51:00.002+08:00

A peaceful dinner by the sea, at the secret eataway ^_^

2012-01-14T11:54:00.001+08:00

Wow, this guy

my motivation

2012-01-14T11:35:00.001+08:00

My longing for what I just found surpasses every other longing I have so far in my entire 20 years of life. Believe me when I say that it is the only motivation for me to emerge from under my comfortable bed cover before afternoon, switch the laptop on and frantically scroll through pages for more information.

I would say that I cannot wait for graduation but I can; for it is going to be so mad, tough, lonely, heartbreaking and fulfilling all at once. Am so excited that I'm twiddling my thumbs and fingers in front of my laptop. Not bouncing off walls (like when I was 4 and couldn't wait to go overseas for the first time), because I'm cooler than that.

#LifemotivationFOUND

2012-01-13T18:24:00.002+08:00

2012-01-13T17:58:00.002+08:00

I want a puppy in a box for Christmas someday

what is your word

2012-01-12T22:54:00.001+08:00

A semi-immaculate table, chilly night, pile of books and blanket-fortified bed. What more can I ask?

The Role of Fiction in the Well-Lived Life

2012-01-12T16:37:00.001+08:00

To separate the deserving from the undeserving; and to make those who easily understand better people.

Sometimes I question my choice to major in Psych instead of Literature/Philosophy

Books and words come so much easier as compared to brain scans and disorders

Needless to say, my path will be an arduous one either way

2012-01-12T15:29:00.003+08:00

Actual happiness always looks pretty squalid in comparison with the overcompensations for misery. And, of course, stability isn’t nearly so spectacular as instability. And being contented has none of the glamour of a good fight against misfortune, none of the picturesqueness of a struggle with temptation, or a fatal overthrow by passion or doubt. Happiness is never grand.

Aldous Huxley, Brave New World

2012-01-11T23:53:00.002+08:00

clicking helps

2012-01-11T22:50:00.001+08:00

Make everything OK

bento sets and coffee houses

2012-01-11T18:54:00.000+08:00

Yesterday's lunch and tea with C - extremely refreshing; she always seems to affirm me at the most appropriate times, when I am most doubtful of myself. Talking about the future brought up the observation that right now, it seems as though it is heading to meet us halfway, from where ever it comes from. This instead of us trudging along with our various responsibilities on our backs, exhausted by the mere effort of trying to make this tiny life work without too much damage occurring in between. I think the conversation provided courage for the both of us and fresh inspiration for me especially -- thereby chasing away most of these usual, relentless thoughts of inadequacy. C is amazing as she believes and believes, despite all her reasons to doubt. We have so many dreams; some overlapping and some on completely separate paths, but right now, what we both readily agreed on is to have patience.

Also, through forcing her to sip my chai tea, learnt that she loathes any ginger-infused food or drink, heh

2012-01-10T23:00:00.004+08:00

I shouldn't have..... but I did.

Sometimes I think that once enough of the above is accumulated, it will finally consume me and extinguish this flickering light; and it will become even more evident that I am not enough, for things that are enough for me; and somehow, I will and have to accept that fact.

Home for the rest of the holidays.

2012-01-10T00:51:00.001+08:00

Thinly stretching out the remaining nights

2012-01-09T23:40:00.001+08:00

Any night you stay up for me makes my heart swell a little bit more, in a good way

washed up boats on washed up shores

2012-01-08T22:41:00.001+08:00

This year feels so new and strange

From my heart to the heavens

Jesus, be the centre

timbre@the arts house

2012-01-08T00:52:00.000+08:00

An impromptu and somewhat haphazardly planned meet-up; not exactly a proper catching-up session, but great nonetheless

Am still able to recall the period where we all wanted to murder each other over freshmen orientation - but very fondly, now. Was high after yesterday night at Timbre, mostly due to the company and not so much the drinks; in addition to hearing Goodfellas for the first time; their soul/acoustic style was very much welcomed and easy on the ears. I wish there was more to say about the night but it simply passed too quickly, with too much raucous laughter over silly things of the past and present; and subsequently, an absolutely wrong yet extensive love for an innocent lamp post. Well, dinner plans soon, perhaps. With this bunch, though, you never really know. After all, orientation was a complete and utter mess (of fun).

2012-01-07T23:58:00.000+08:00

Breakfast & coffee with Pris this morning, with the both of us half-sprawled over the seats and not doing anything at all -- best way to start a weekend, in my opinion.

:)

2012-01-07T12:24:00.000+08:00

8 cumulative hours of good company over good drinks

2012-01-06T01:15:00.003+08:00

Think we all require some form of reassurance every once in a while

That everything's going to turn out okay. Right?

2012-01-05T15:45:00.003+08:00

Howl: I feel terrible, like there's a weight on my chest.

Sophie: A heart is a heavy burden.

♥

howl

2012-01-05T15:44:00.000+08:00

Laughed so hard at this

2012-01-05T00:17:00.000+08:00

Of the (lessening) blogs I visit, I have found only one blog that has been written so beautifully, from the start - am awestruck at the intricate details woven between clauses, almost like an afterthought; and the overwhelming humility that stems from the writer. She will always be one of my role models and I will continue to be a silent fan, marvelling at the brilliance of a half-stranger out there who writes.

2012-01-04T15:46:00.005+08:00

It does not do to dwell on dreams, and forget to live.

Dumbledore, on the Mirror of Erised

2012-01-03T00:02:00.001+08:00

GENIUS